Alone but not lonely

I always thought it was wrong to be alone. I spent my whole life searching for someone to walk with,laugh with or just sit with in silence. Most of my life i was alone. As an only child from an early age i was playing in the living room wishing someone my size would play with me. Only people i could really count on were my parents. Spending so much time with them made me grow up faster. But i never really felt like i belonged.

In preschool i could barely wait to go home. In school i realised i wasn’t like the other kids. I was a black sheep. I stood out like a sore thumb. I was that kid that no one would sit on the bus, i was that kid that didn’t have a pair, i was that kid that wasn’t in on the joke or was the joke, who knows. I was ashamed of being different and i just wanted to be like everyone else. I just wanted a friend to walk with me, to hang out with me not because i did their homework, someone to be happy to sit with me and not look at the teacher like some grand injustice just happened to them. I just wanted someone.

So many years i tried and failed in being someone i wasn’t inside. It is hard to pretend. All the time hoping someone would like you and hoping no one would at the same time because that wasn’t you. One day i just gave up all hope. I wasn’t gonna pretend anymore. And i was alone still but you know what? I didn’t mind it. In my life i met all kinds of people. Good, bad, bland, kind, smart… but the most important person i got to know was myself.

I realised who i am, who i am not, and who i don’t want to become. You can’t escape the truth. One way or another, for a short while or a while longer you will be alone. It is not a bad thing. The most important thing is to be in good company when you are alone.

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Kalopsia

We were friends.

We were lovers.

Now we are enemies.

I belived we were made for eachother.

We could defeat anything and anyone that stood between us.

Somewhere along the line we started fighting eachother and not for eachother.

Started resenting things and hiding feelings.

It is sad to see our progress. 

How happy we used to be.

How miserable we make eachother now.

A downward spiral. 

Pitty. We could have been something.

7th October

I can say i never felt pain until i had my first TN attack. Most of you don’t even know what TN is and you should count yourself lucky. Trigeminal neuralgia is a chronic pain disorder that affects trigeminal nerve blah blah blah. Let me tell you how it really is. That nerve is the largest nerve in your face and when you have a TN attack it feels like your face is on fire you are being electrocuted and stabbed all at the same time. For me it’s the worst pain i ever felt. Some days are worse than others. Painkillers can only do so much to numb it and besides that there is no real help. I tried to keep my hopes up but the pain broke my will to live. The worst thing is that the pain dosen’t only effect you. It effects those who love you. It is horrific to watch someone you love scream in pain and you can’t do anything to help. TN ruins your health, TN ruins your mind, TN ruins your relationships, TN ruins everything. There are so many times i wished to end it all… only thing that stopped me was my family. I couldn’t hurt them in such a way. The pain was so bad my parents told me if i can’t handle it to do what i need to do. I was jealous of everyone. A boy laughing in the street. I couldn’t laugh without feeling jolts of pain. I was jealous at the couple hugging and kissing. Not being able to kiss my boyfriend or having to think which side i could hug him was killing me. I used to love walking in th wind. Now wind was my worst enemy. But the best thing about TN is the remission period. When the pain stops you begin to realise how beautiful life can really be and how you shouldnt waste it. All in all this thing changed me to the core. When the pain isn’t here i am scared of it coming back, when it comes i wish to die. I wish it never happened to me and i wish there is a cure,but there is not. Today is internatinal TN day. I m writing this so more people would know about this sickness and one day we could find a cure and live painfree walking in the wind 🙂

Different eyes

I remember a sunday morning

When i was five

I woke up thinking how life is a wonder

Beauty is the sky

I looked at happy people laughing

And i wondered why i feel so good inside

I thought everyone was kind and gentle

Then my mother came and warned me to stay inside

Years later i look at the world with fear

Nights are filled with terror

My eyes drown in tears

I wonder how could i be so wrong

Life is not a poem or a song

I still don’t know how it happened and how

Did the world change

or was i just blind…

Lets play pretend

I once met a girl with eyes so gloomy

Their sadness almost overthrew me

A tragical character that belonged in a book

Trying her best to be understood

I badly wanted to be her friend

Her heart and soul i wanted to mend

If only i knew what i know now

She was just waiting for me to drown

She, like a dog left astray

Filled with sadness, rage and betrail

Her every smile brought chills to my bones

Her eyes changed with some eerie tones

At that point I knew it was all fake

She did everything for her sake

Its ok its not the first time i was wrong

Here i am just writing a song

About you, a girl with intentions so foul

Filled with all the souls you devoured

But after all when i see you i feel sadness

At some point you must have felt the loneliness

To become so wicked, rotten and vail

You just wanted me to fail

But i stood up and held my ground

I refused to be pushed around

I am a human with a heart and a soul

If yours is beyond salvation

I will hold on to my own.