You have only ever known the broken me. A lost, tortured soul ready to give up on it all at the first gush of wind. Compared to other girls you most likely thought i was weak. Before you begin to judge me, you have to realise one thing. I am alive because of you. Your drunken words sent purely out of boredom saved me. I don’t know how you are looking at it, but that could have been your blessing or your curse.
I gave the world a possibility to redeem itself that night. Fix all the hurt, stop the burn, put out the fire. The last nail piercing through my coffin was put on hold. I just wanted to feel. It is a strange thing, not feeling. Makes you scared, powerful and weak all at the same time. Dying, i assume, is better than being numb. I thought about leaving this place for a while, every night i cried myself to sleep knowing my love was wasted but i wasn’t able to stop giving it away. It is hard to love someone that dosen’t care for you at all. I couldn’t live that way anymore, it pushed me of the edge. And then you came along, when all my love went away.
We spent time together and despite the fact i was superwoman without feelings i was still nervous. For whatever reason, you seemed to like me. A shy, lost girl with tragedy in her eyes that said a few unremarkable words. Was there something left to love? Was there something in there apart from raging emptiness? It was hard to watch you be happy and feel nothing but jealousy. I wished for time to go back, for me to be pure enough to be happy. I wished to make you happy. The first time i cried after i died was when you left me. Let me tell you it was no surprise you would leave me, anyone could see i was damaged and unable to give you what any other girl could. What shocked me was the pain. I swear i felt my heart shatter. Obviously, even a broken record can be broken some more.
I wasn’t like this before. I was a lover, a fighter, a healer. I loved my life and my pure soul. But he killed me, ruined me, day by day, word by word, but i ruined myself as well. Every thought i had about him was just a lie i told myself. I imagined his love and caring. In reality, he had no feelings for me or anyone else. He was a monster uncapable of love, but even now i don’t blame him. Once before he was just like me, but someone killed him,too. And now, somehow, as i was trying to stay alive and find some love i ruined you too. I did,didn’t i?
To keep it simple, you and i spent the worst and the best 2 years of our lives loving, fighting and dying for eachother. We killed and broke eachothers parts, we suffered and begged to die. Our love wasn’t effortless or simple and our ending wasn’t anything other than ordinary.
But there was never and will never be a girl more broken than me, that loved a man more, even though it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, i knew it all along. And there will never be a man, more idiotic and pure that will ever give more love to a girl that makes him suffer.
Now, if you came this far… Listen, i am someone that holds herself at night to keep together all the shattered pieces of my soul. My tragedy defines me. It runs so deep in my veins it tattoed my heart. Don’t ask from me to be happy, it would be impossible. Just disentagle yourself from me and hammer down the last nail in my coffin. For our sake.