Apocalypse

There was never any doubt

You are the man that holds my heart

Makes it do flips and turns

Under your hand my skin, it burns

If you ever wished to know

What i do when you go

It’s pretty pathetic, poetic i must say

My whole sky turns to grey

I watch the door like a lonely puppy

Hearing your walk makes me happy

There was never any other

That would make the ground flutter

Calls to all the butterflies

Makes my soul and body arise

Fills it with endless hope

Your eyes are a universe on it’s own

When my name escapes your lips

My mind melts, apocalypse.

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Do not kill yourself.

I always wanted a girl. In every daydream she had a white bow in her hair. Aurora. When i found out i was pregnant i wasn’t scared, deep down i was happy which was a very unusal thing to be when you are a student with no income, living with your parents. I always wanted to be a mother and from that twolineday i was. I felt it was a boy. I loved him so much i didn’t mind that my life wouldn’t go as planned. I protected it and loved knowing i was not alone. My little lizard. My boyfriend was not happy with the situation. He was the voice of reason. But in rare moments it got to him and he would stare at my tummy and smile. He would talk to him and that made me hopeful. Made me feel like we were a family. Unforunatly, those moments were few and as you already guessed it we never became a family. I never got to know if he was a boy or not, but in my mind he already had a name. He was my little miracle. I was the only one that loved him, wanted him and only one that still thinks of him. In my dreams he was born, a healthy baby boy with a head full of curly hair and big eyes like his father, emerald green. He is loved like he was supposed to be. Those dreams make it easier and harder. I get to see him grow but when i wake up i cry for hours. There are no words that can release me from my pain and my sins. Even though i am not locked up in prison i am suffering in the cell of my own mind. And that sentence is for life. So, take it from me, if you are young and thinking of abortion or someone is saying all those rational things why you should do it, do not listen to them. They will not have to live with it, they will forget the date, they will sleep without remorse, they will look at you like you are crazy when you still think about it after two weeks. You will suffer your whole life. With it you sign your death sentence. You will never be the same, you will never heal, and you will never forgive yourself. So, do not kill your baby because with it, you are killing yourself.

Hollowed out heart

Wish I could fall asleep

Open my eyes and feel complete

Be like the girl I used to know

Shining like a perfect coin

Sunrays playing on my skin

Living life without sin

Before the world spilled the ink

On my pure dress made of silk

I used to dream of a man with eyes of silver

Sweeping me of my feet, making my heart beat

In reality I met a guy with eyes full of lies

Without guts, grace or honor

In reality…

I met a devil in disguise .

Puzzle heart

He tried to mend the broken pieces.

I was like a shattered mirror, some bits so small you could never find them, some so broken you didn’t know where to place them.

I learned to live like that, half whole.

You took your time, treated me like i was a human puzzle and carefully put me together.

But what you saw when you took a step back was not what you wanted.

I was whole but broken. To you, the result was not worth the effort.

So you took a hammer, rull of rage, broke me again, bit by bit.

I thought i knew all the pain known to mankind. But i was wrong. This was the worst.

Darkness is my name

You have only ever known the broken me. A lost, tortured soul ready to give up on it all at the first gush of wind. Compared to other girls you most likely thought i was weak. Before you begin to judge me, you have to realise one thing. I am alive because of you. Your drunken words sent purely out of boredom saved me. I don’t know how you are looking at it, but that could have been your blessing or your curse. 

I gave the world a possibility to redeem itself that night. Fix all the hurt, stop the burn, put out the fire. The last nail piercing through my coffin was put on hold. I just wanted to feel. It is a strange thing, not feeling. Makes you scared, powerful and weak all at the same time. Dying, i assume, is better than being numb. I thought about leaving this place for a while, every night i cried myself to sleep knowing my love was wasted but i wasn’t able to stop giving it away. It is hard to love someone that dosen’t care for you at all. I couldn’t live that way anymore, it pushed me of the edge. And then you came along, when all my love went away.

We spent time together and despite the fact i was superwoman without feelings i was still nervous. For whatever reason, you seemed to like me. A shy, lost girl with tragedy in her eyes that said a few unremarkable words. Was there something left to love? Was there something in there apart from raging emptiness? It was hard to watch you be happy and feel nothing but jealousy. I wished for time to go back, for me to be pure enough to be happy. I wished to make you happy. The first time i cried after i died was when you left me. Let me tell you it was no surprise you would leave me, anyone could see i was damaged and unable to give you what any other girl could. What shocked me was the pain. I swear i felt my heart shatter. Obviously, even a broken record can be broken some more. 

I wasn’t like this before. I was a lover, a fighter, a healer. I loved my life and my pure soul. But he killed me, ruined me, day by day, word by word, but i ruined myself as well. Every thought i had about him was just a lie i told myself. I imagined his love and caring. In reality, he had no feelings for me or anyone else. He was a monster uncapable of love, but even now i don’t blame him. Once before he was just like me, but someone killed him,too. And now, somehow, as i was trying to stay alive and find some love i ruined you too. I did,didn’t i?

To keep it simple, you and i spent the worst and the best 2 years of our lives loving, fighting and dying for eachother. We killed and broke eachothers parts, we suffered and begged to die. Our love wasn’t effortless or simple and our ending wasn’t anything other than ordinary.

But there was never and will never be a girl more broken than me, that loved a man more, even though it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, i knew it all along. And there will never be a man, more idiotic and pure that will ever give more love to a girl that makes him suffer.

Now, if you came this far… Listen, i am someone that holds herself at night to keep together all the shattered pieces of my soul. My tragedy defines me. It runs so deep in my veins it tattoed my heart. Don’t ask from me to be happy, it would be impossible. Just disentagle yourself from me and hammer down the last nail in my coffin. For our sake.

Living with regret

Emerald eyes staring from the dark

Little baby boy without a gift of life

Taking breaths of air, further feeding the illusion

Mothers joyful heart full of pride and confusion

Is this her prince she had to let go forever

His dying heart pounding like thunder

Her eyes tearing up at this vision of purity

How could she destroy him for her insecurity

As she whiped the drops of regret it all became clear

It was all just a dream.